A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things that don't come out the way we meant them to?"
The psychiatrist replies, "You mean Freudian slips?"
"Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say, 'Honey, could you please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You damn fool, you ruined my life.'"
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Doctor: "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water."
Doctor: "Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water."
Doctor: "Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?"
Doctor: "Yeah. You don't drink enough water."
A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver dropped his client at a mall before he filled up the tank.
The cat remained in the car, laying down on top of the limousine's back seat. The service station's attendant glanced at the unusual passenger.
Finally, he asked, "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They decided to run a study, hired a few additional sociologists and other specialists, moved to town, rented offices and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and told the waitress what his purpose was in town. He then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the waitress. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and sounds its horn. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."