Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.
When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer.
He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer.
Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who's there?!?!"
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he whispered, "I forgot my teeth."
The man replied, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose."
"I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken aback at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker tried them and happily replied, "They fit perfectly."
With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."