I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots, fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
It's game 7 of the NBA basketball finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."