The pastor had been warned about a parishioner who was a fast reader.
"We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by 'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures', please pause until we catch up."
The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time.
A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."
The young man took a deep breath and said, "I missed this train at the last station."
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."