Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"
A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.
"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Morris," said grandma, "you've been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Bill's second anniversary was coming up and his wife Suzy had recently been upset about how much time he spent at the office. He needed a thoughtful gift to show her how much he cared.
Bill asked all of his clients and co-workers what would be a good anniversary present, and he eventually settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
He wasn't sure he could pick the right flowers by himself, so he called a local florist and asked them to create a big, beautiful bouquet to be delivered the next morning with the following note "Happy Anniversary! Year Number Two!"
The following morning, Bill received an angry phone call from his wife Suzy.
"What is this all about?!" she demanded.
Bill was perplexed. He thought she would love the flowers.
"What's the matter with it, dear?" he asked.
She read the card aloud to him. "Happy Anniversary! Your number two!"