At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day, the collector tried again.

"Is Fred here today"?

"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?

"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, but not for cotton."

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."