How Churches might be in 2020:

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.

CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.

CONGREGATION: Amen!

COLLEGE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER

INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS. ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS.

You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted.
(20 marks)

You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love.
(20 marks)

(For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s.

(a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones.
(15 marks)

(b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty.
(5 marks)

You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your thinking capacity.
(20 marks)

You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than $500. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth $2,000. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence.
(20 marks)

(For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of diminishing return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy.
(20 marks)

You can’t give your wife $15 for a pot of soup, but you spend over $100 in bars and restaurants. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take p=3.142.
(20 marks)

GOOD LUCK!

Three prominent politicians in boarded the same flight to from New York to England.

The first Politician started, “I can throw one $1000 note down and make one person laugh.”

“I can make two persons laugh with just two $500 notes.” the second politician replied.

The third politician retorted, “With just five pieces of $200 I can make five people laugh.”

The pilot then looked at the politicians and added, “I’m the pilot here, meaning I can throw all of you down and make more than 150 million people laugh.”