People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns behind his ears...

I just think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Why did the computer programmer call his mother long distance?

Because that was her name.

When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

What do you call a cow eating grass?

A land moo'er.