A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, "I love you."

"Is that you or the beer talking?" she asks.

"It’s me," he says, "talking to the beer."

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer.

Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”

Workers from different trades were asked, "What is the number one rule in your profession?"

Here were some responses...

Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”

Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”

Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”

Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”

Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.