Father to Daughter: It's a good thing you chose to takes accounting at school.
Daughter: How come?
Father: Because I want you to account for coming home at five am this morning.
Remember when everyone had diaries and got mad when someone read them?
Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when they don't!
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!
My friend asked me to help him with his crossword puzzle as he was struggling with 4 across.
"What's the clue?" I asked.
"Overworked postman," he said.
"How many letters?"