The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"

I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

The warehouse foreman walked up on a worker and caught him napping.

"Hey!" the foreman shouted. "Why aren't you working?"

"Because I didn't see you coming."

I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night...

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta-sea.