Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas".

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it's not. They didn't make swing music in Mozart's time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You're stupid! They didn't even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that's the name of the song!

"Where do you see yourself in six months?"

"I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”