A man was looking for someone to paint his porch. So he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, “I’m done.”
The man asked, “How did you get done so fast?”
The lady said, “It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, "No, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.
The guy says, "Ok, I pick this room." Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!"
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’