What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye, Matey!"

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Grandma: "Oh, what nice new boots! Where did you get them?"

Granddaughter: "At the store."

Grandma: "Which one?"

Granddaughter: "Both of them."

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall, Into the clutches of cholesterol.

At polyunsaturates I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter.

And cake is cursed and cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Teach me the evils of hollandaise, Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.

And crisp fried chicken from the South, Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.