Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well, neither would he.
When I was 20, "What am I doing here?" was an important existential question.
Now that I am 66, "What am I doing here?" involves staring at an open refrigerator.
If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer...
There's no other explanation for that type of income!
A man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it says it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine!"