My history teacher gave me an “F” for a final grade.

When I asked her why she failed me she said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.”

I said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”

In the zoo, a giraffe, talking to a buffalo says, “Yeah, I know. They can totally get out but they choose to hang around.”

A seal says a walrus, “That’s right. I’ve seen the big hairy one crawling under the bushes outside the gate.”

A woodchuck says to a prairie dog, “I saw it chew up all the grass. I think we might be related somehow. Maybe cousins.”

Opposite the animals, eating their lunch, one landscaper says to the other, “I wonder if they talk to each other?”

A criminal has an idea for a business. To execute the crooked plan he hires a partner. He explains everything, “First, you secretly flatten people’s car tires. Then, offer our tire changing service through an advertisement. Got it?”

A few weeks later, after getting no customers, the cops show up at their tire changing garage, placing them under arrest due to suspicious advertising. On the way to jail, the criminal who thought up the plan asks the partner about the advertisement.

“Well, I had a great idea. I realized we could save ourselves a lot of time by stabbing our flyer directly into the tire.”

A boy asks his parents for a new computer because his old one is running too slow. His parents tell him it’s not in the budget.

Determined, the boy goes into the kitchen, grabs the microwave and food processor, comes back and begins attaching the two appliances together. His parents see the boy and ask him what he’s doing.

He says, “First I’m building the microprocessor and then I’ll see what else we got lying around.”