Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts...

I believe he was a stalker.

My cousin Jimmy was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.

It turns out he had back issues.

My son and I were walking our small dog when he took off after a duck and jumped into the river. A nearby German tourist jumped into the river to save our dog.

When he'd climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog. Dry him off, keep him varm and he vill be fine.”

We thanked him profusely, and my son asked him, "Are you a vet?"

"VET?" he exclaimed. "I am soaking!"

My niece, Sue, plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week...

She's going to call it Best By...