Favorite this joke Martha's Way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery, they'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's Way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? If it doesn't have calories, why keep it?
Martha's Way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so don't do it.
Martha's Way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, cut it in quarters and rub it on the rim of a tall glass. Put lime in glass, fill with gin and tonic water and sip until the throbbing goes away. (repeat as required)
Martha's Way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the cute neighbor to do it.
And finally...
Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo Island, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
A man got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing. He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink."
A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge showed the marooned sailor a few news headlines and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still wish to be rescued."
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