A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk. The clerk said to the dog, "karate a chair." The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to "karate the table," and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my behind!" the husband replied sarcastically.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house. The woman quickly rolls over and blurts out, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, gathers some of his clothing, jumps through the window, and crawls through the bushes and out on the street. After a moment, a realization sinks in. He calmly goes back into the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

Without missing a beat she replies, while giving him a dirty look. "So why did you run?"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and will kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked. ''So where were you when I got married?''

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe!"