Do you work at Dick's?

Cause you're sporting the goods.

There is something wrong with my cell phone...

It doesn't have your number in it.

I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.

My wife: Which is?

Me: Exactly!

During a parent-teacher conference, a mother insisted I shouldn’t have taken points off her daughter’s English paper for calling her subject Henry 8 instead of Henry VIII.

“We have regular numbers on our keyboard,” she explained. “No Roman numerals.”