As part of the admission procedure in a hospital, a nurse will ask the patient if they are allergic to anything. If they are, the nurse prints it on an allergy band that goes on the patient's wrist.
Once when the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, the woman said she couldn't eat bananas.
Several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'Bananas'?"
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer."
"You tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours."
"You good for nothing..." the woman from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the woman: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
While at the casino, I remembered the sign that said: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"