A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off.
"What am I offered for this beautiful bird?"
"One bean," bid a bystander.
"Two bucks," roared another.
"Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot, "and I'll give you a kiss."
Teacher: "What ancient ruler was it who played the fiddle while Rome was burning?"
Johnny: "Hector, ma'am."
Teacher: "No, not Hector. Hector was no ruler, he was a Trojan prince. Try again."
Johnny: "Then it was Duke!"
Teacher: "Duke? What do you mean Johnny?"
Johnny: "Well then, it must have been Nero... I knew it was someone with a dogs name."
He was a bit shy, and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet of flowers, he arose and started to leave.
"I'm sorry I offended you," she said.
"Oh, no, I'm not offended," he replied. "I'm going for more flowers."
Two sailors were marooned on a tropical island. One insisted on building a raft and leaving immediately. The other wanted to wait and rest.
"Yea, but if these cannibals catch you, they'll eat you," said the first.
"I don't care. Let them kill me, let them throw me in the pot and cook me. They'll be sorry. "
"Because I'm not what I'm cooked up to be," retorted the second.