My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"
A woman sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.
The man stands and clears his throat, then says "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."
A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?