Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives it to the next town and dumps it there. When he gets home, the cat was there.
The next day he drives it 50 miles out and leaves it. When he gets home, it's there again. So the next day he drives it to the other side of the county, some 150 miles away, and tries again.
Six hours later he calls his wife and asks, "IS THAT DARN CAT HOME?"
"Yes, why?" asks the wife.
Paddy says, "PUT THE DARN CAT ON THE PHONE, I'M LOST!!!"
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!"