At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date.
He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer.”
The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'”
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.