01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
10. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. You can't remember who sent you this list.
A driver visiting a big city for the first time stopped at a red light. But when the light turned green, he stayed where he was.
After the light changed several more times and he still didn't move, a traffic cop ran over and inquired politely, "What's wrong? Don't we have any colors you like?"
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.
"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.
"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."