An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I had to wake him up. I thought he was dead!"
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you that we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. She had passed away. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her backside was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A grocery store manager chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching him with a flying tackle in cleaning supplies.
That's when the manager noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.
"Everything's fine, folks," he assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items."
Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."
A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."
"I-95, two miles south of Cranston."
After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"