Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he has drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
"Time separates the best of friends," said one women to another.
"How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!"
I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"
"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.
I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."