Wife: "Do you want to eat something?"

Me: "Maybe, what are the options?"

Wife: "Yes or no!"

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."

"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.

"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"

I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"

"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.

I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.