Upon retiring, a woman decided to fulfill her lifelong dream and live abroad. As part of her preparations, she visited her doctor to pick up her medical records. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so with a sigh, she reported a litany of symptoms, this aches, that's stiff, I'm not as quick as I used to be, and so on.
He responded with, "Mrs. Dickson, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to be a hundred?"
Mrs. Dickson looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's ninety-nine."
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that's what I did."
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There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.