merk Profile

Image
 

merk

User Details

Member Since : Nov, 2015
# of jokes posted : 1544
# of followers : 5
# of following: 0
eligible jokes to win : 4
Location: United States
won: $ 1489.00
$50.00 won 4 votes
 

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

4 votes

Joke Won 1st Place won $50.00
posted by "merk" |
$10.00 won 1 votes

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win...

If I was late to work, I was hostile.

If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was compulsive."

1 votes

CATEGORY Doctor Jokes
Joke Won 5th Place won $10.00
posted by "merk" |
$15.00 won 3 votes

- Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

- Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

- Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

- Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder... louder... LOUDER...

- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

3 votes

Joke Won 3rd Place won $15.00
posted by "merk" |
$15.00 won 2 votes

Dear Customer Service,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

2 votes

CATEGORY Marriage Jokes
Joke Won 3rd Place won $15.00
posted by "merk" |