It's time for me to get a new masseuse...

The one I have now just rubs me the wrong way!

What did the teen tell his doctor upon waking up in the hospital during a thunderstorm?

He thought he was safe from the lightning because he was "grounded".

My poor kitty bumped her head last night and I think I have to take her to the vet to get a CAT scan, or maybe even a PET scan. She's been showing signs of psychosis. She killed a bird and said, "the dog made me do it!"

What do you call a flea in a bar?

A bar-hopper!