Harry Finkelstein Profile

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Harry Finkelstein

User Details

Member Since : Jan, 2017
# of jokes posted : 3820
# of followers : 11
# of following: 0
eligible jokes to win : 2
Location: United States
won: $ 1098.00
$5.00 won 4 votes

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

4 votes

CATEGORY Doctor Jokes
Joke Won 10th Place won $5.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$6.00 won 5 votes

I love bacon.

Sometimes I eat it twice a day.

It helps take my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

5 votes

CATEGORY Food Jokes
Joke Won 9th Place won $6.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$5.00 won 3 votes



A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the little man.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the little man.

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And the clerk asked me, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'"

"What happened next?" the judge asked.

"I punched him."

3 votes

CATEGORY Misc Jokes
Joke Won 10th Place won $5.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$6.00 won 5 votes

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Steve over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

5 votes

CATEGORY Marriage Jokes
Joke Won 9th Place won $6.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |