Harry Finkelstein Profile

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Harry Finkelstein

User Details

Member Since : Jan, 2017
# of jokes posted : 3738
# of followers : 11
# of following: 0
eligible jokes to win : 2
Location: United States
won: $ 1073.00
$8.00 won 5 votes
 

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

10. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. You can't remember who sent you this list.

5 votes

CATEGORY Elderly Jokes
Joke Won 7th Place won $8.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$7.00 won 3 votes

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

3 votes

CATEGORY Animal Jokes
Joke Won 8th Place won $7.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$7.00 won 1 votes

I never make the same mistake twice.

I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

1 votes

CATEGORY Misc Jokes
Joke Won 8th Place won $7.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |
$10.00 won 3 votes

You might not know this... but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in... but you can see right through them

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

3 votes

CATEGORY Misc Jokes
Joke Won 5th Place won $10.00
posted by "Harry Finkelstein" |