misc jokes

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.
“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”
The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off?”
The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”
And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor watched as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico.

When he returned to his observatory, reporters asked him if what he had seen was really a UFO.

Looking them straight in the eye, the impassive scientist replied, “No comet.”