The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school:

"Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.

To complain about school lunches - Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"