My father said I missed parts of the lawn when I cut it.

He told me people are respected when they do stand-up work.

My father has always been a wise man so I followed his wishes and became a comedian.

The reason they named a bar a bar and not a fly is because wedding invitations work much better when it’s announced they’re having an open bar.

Counselor: “Mr. Johnson I’d like to request you no longer bring your pet fly to our sessions.”

Mr. Johnson: “But he’s my friend and we go everywhere together”.

Counselor: “Every time I make a suggestion you turn to your fly and then you tell me your fly doesn’t like that suggestion. You need to have an open mind Mr. Johnson, your fly is standoffish and closed to anything new. I don’t know how you can walk around in public with a friend that‘s so closed.”

Mr. Johnson: “My little friend really doesn’t like that suggestion. There’s no way I’m going to walk around in public with an open fly.”