A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?”

“Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient.

Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.”

“No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with my left hand.”

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.

“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.

After I gave her the package, she said, “Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

Son: Dad do you believe in ghost?

Dad: No.

Son: Our maid said ghost exist.

Dad: We don't have maid.

Mom: Meet me out in the car right now.

Dad: Why?

Mom: We don't have son.

Dad: Wait.... I am not married..!!