Alex to his friend Francis: “Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, 'What gift would you like to have?'”

Francis : “What did she say?"

Alex: "She said, 'Give me anything which has diamonds in it.'”

Francis: “So what did you give her?”

Alex: “A deck of playing cards.”

Robert to Doctor: “Doctor, I have a serious problem. I dream of football matches every night."

Doctor: "Don’t worry. I will cure it right now. Take this pill and you will be alright.”

Robert: "Doctor, would it be okay to wait and take the pill tomorrow?”

Doctor: “Why?”

Robert: “Doc, today is the final match. I have to see the season through and know which team is going to win it all!”

“Teacher, I ain’t got no pencils,” says little Tom.

The teacher corrects him immediately saying, "The correct way to say it is, I don’t have any pencils, he doesn’t have any pencils, or they don’t have any pencils.' Do you understand?"

“But teacher..."

"Yes, Tommy?"

"What happened to all the pencils?”

Son to dad: "Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?"

Dad: "My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?"

Son: "One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator."