My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied, “No.”

She yelled back, "What about now?"

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

My sister told me to take the spider out instead of killing him......

So we went in a bar, had a few beers, it was fun.. it turns out he was a web designer.