Did a little mechanical work today...

I put a rear end in a recliner.

ME: "I will take $50 on pump one please..."

BARTENDER: "Sir, please get your mouth off the keg!"

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”

“Really? Why do you think so?” asks the despairing one.

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”