What do you call a professional you hire to put someone down?

An Insultant.

I think the whole "Autumn-is-in-the-air" theme has gone too far.

Today I went to Jiffy Lube and they offered me a "Cinnamon Spice" oil change.

A sweater I bought was picking up too much static electricity.

So I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.

So I asked for one.

He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."