Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father. “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?” “Without, of course.”
“Well, then, he said nothing.”

Only in America: We work hard on a farm so we can move into town, where we can make more money… so we can move back to the farm.

I’m worried about your heart murmur,” the doc told Jack. “I’ve always had a heart murmur,” Jack protested. “Yeah,” replied the doc, “but now the murmur has started
humming.” “That doesn’t sound good!” Jack was getting worried now. “It’s worse than you think,” the doc said. “It’s humming ‘Nearer My God to Thee.’”

A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients, who was vacationing in Spain.

“I’m having a great time! Wish you were here to tell me why.”