I was recently out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers, followed by a couple of bottles of red wine and then a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was just slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi.
On the way home, there was a police roadblock. But since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived safely home without incident. This was a real surprise to me.
Well, because I had never driven a taxi before.
Jim was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she came in the house with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it. "Johnny," began the teacher, "I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" she asked.
The boy faithfully replied, "The Bible verse says, 'Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.' So there's Mary, there's Jesus, and there's the flea."
A small little lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The little lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great,Doc, what did you do?"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."