A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not a catholic."
The nun says, "That's OK My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party."
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Tim and the thief got tangle up and began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Resolutions You Can Keep...
1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.
2.) Read less.
3.) Stop exercising.
4.) Watch more TV.
5.) Procrastinate more.
6.) Start being superstitious.
7.) Spend more time at work.
8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.
9.) Sleep more.
10.) Start a new bad habit.