Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and unhappy.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinking.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens! I haven't had a girlfriend in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, find a girlfriend or two, and then you will be alright.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey again nodded up and down.
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. "Now wait, you're saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey, emphatically.
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving," motioned the monkey.