I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient...

Until one day the receptionist suggested I use their website.

Mom: How make chicken

Daughter: What?

Mom: Where buy chicken

Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.

Mom: Avocado

I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough.

Oddly enough, I work for American Express.

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"