My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating.

“A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.

“It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

"Daddy," said my 10-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don’t want to be a pilot."

"You don’t have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don’t want to be a flight attendant either."