On a billboard ad for a safe company...

"If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault!"

While at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park, I overheard a confused woman complaining to her friend.

She said, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.

“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."