golf jokes

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was
on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if
she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy
you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She
said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what
she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't,"
he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor
laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at,"he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!".

Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.

Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.

Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.

Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.

So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.

Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.

Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.

Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.

About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?

Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with, because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap, as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th, the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot! But I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

"Well, I do! Here, help me out!"

Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”