misc jokes

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."

Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?

Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob.

John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said, "Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."
"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."
"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."
Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.