misc jokes

If Microsoft Built Cars 

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 
8. The air bag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off. 
9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. 

If Microsoft Built Cars 

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 
8. The air bag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off. 
9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. 

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... 
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 
· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 

Things to do While Downloading A File On Your Computer:

· Buff your mouse pad 
· Make a list of things to download 
· Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem 
· Count to 500 in "click" language 
· Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!) 
· Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter